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"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
   Harry S Truman

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
   Ingrid Bergman

"I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it."
   Mae West

"Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory."
   John Kenneth Gabraith

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
   George Burns

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
   Marilyn Monroe

"Life's what happens, while you're making other plans."
   John Lennon

"Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway."
   Anonymous

"Money can't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
   Spike Milligan

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' 'till you can find a rock."
   Wynn Catlin

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get."
   H. Jackson Brown

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
   Will Rogers

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
   Lazerus Long

"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns."
   Mario Puzo

"Even the lonely woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head."
   Joe Marcucci

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
   Al Capone

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
   Groucho Marx

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."
   Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"Getting fired is nature's way of telling you, that you had the wrong job in the first place."
   Hal Lancaster

"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
   W.C. Fields

"Man is a fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
   Elbert Hubbard

"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together."
   George Lichtenberg

"The best things in life are postaged paid, batteries included, guarenteed for ever and tax free."
   Jacqueline Schiff

"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives."
   Anonymous

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
   Herm Albright

"There are three ways to get things done. Do it yourself, employ someone to do it for you or forbid your children to do it."
   Monta Crane

"The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk."
   Patrick Murray

"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."
   David McIntosh

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